Challanges of Communication

Do you remember that quote in Hitch when he says all those statistics about how much percentage of communication isn't actually spoken? Yes its true.

* 14% Spoken word

* 35% Tone

* 51% Non- verbal

So what is the biggest communication problems among men and women? So many. Its like we both have our own language, and we have to decode that language in order to not skew the message. It can be simple things like a silence can mean a lot of things, because our mind fills in the blanks. When you aren't saying any words, you communicate something to the other person still. Frustrating. Most definitively.

Solutions: ( My favorite part!)

1) Be actively involved in the conversation and constantly ask questions to make sure that you are getting the right intended message. Clarifying, nodding your head, and asking questions are a great way to make sure you are understanding--instead of assuming what their message might be.

2) Be very clear with your words, choose them wisely.

3)Make sure that you are consistent in your words AND actions. it might be cliche, but actions really do speak louder than words.

Communication is really one of those things that most marriages fall apart because of. Communication is the most important part about a marriage, because without it--lots of meaning can be lost.

Teaching Children about Sex

Top 10 things that are most important when teaching your children about sex:

1) Teach your children that sex is sacred, good, right, and ordained of God.

2)Teach them that when sex is performed within a marriage then it is used the right way.

3)Sex does not have to be a scary topic-- it can be discussed without going into great detail as well.

4) Be willing to answer any and all questions that your children have for you regarding sex. Remember to tailor the answers to their individuality and age. Keep an open dialogue with your children, regarding sex.

5)Start when they are young-- by just teaching basics like about how their bodies are sacred.

6)Teach your children to stay away from media that will arouse sexual feelings in their bodies. Tell them that these feelings are right and good, but need to be expressed when they are married.

7) Teach teenagers long before they enter puberty what will happen when their bodies change. Again be willing and able to answer them.

8) Refer to body parts in their right anatomical terms. Do not use slang.

9) Focus on the good rather than the bad. What they SHOULD be doing rather than what they SHOULD NOT be doing.

10) Don't be scared to teach your children. It is such an important subject! One that should not be avoided.

PS: The book that I mentioned in one of my previous posts: "And They Were Not Ashamed" by Laura M. Brotherson-- is an amazing tool as well. She has a whole chapter devoted to teaching children about sex. **Hint hint--your should buy that book**

....Then comes a baby in a baby carriage...

This subject of the major Transitions into Parenthood--really intreged me. I even did this lesson as a FHE for Adam! It really helped us to talk about how it might be when the baby comes.

Here are some problems that husband and wife might run into when they bring a little baby home:

1) Less time together

2) Wife is busier than ever!--They say that wives work load increases by 64%!

3) Husband may feel left out or unappreciated.

4) Wife may be more preoccupied with the baby.

Now how to combat some of these common problems?

1) Take time for each other--it might be a minute or two here, but just make time. Sit down on the couch when the baby is napping, and just cuddle.

2) Have the husband involved as much as possible-- even from the beginning. Having the father there at prenatal appointments can make all the difference!

3) Ladies: have confidence in your husband that he has the ability to take care of baby too.

4) Share with the father what fun things happened with the baby when he was gone for the day.

5) Anticipate some bad days--and just try to make the best of them.

6) Pray together as a family--never loose that. God is there through everything!

I am so excited to become a parent-- I know it will be a HUGE responsibly--but it will be worth it. Heavenly Father has commanded us to have families not because it is hard, but because family makes life worthwhile.

Family--isn't it about time?

The Birds and The Bees.

How does sex relate to the family, you say? Well its your lucky day I am going to answer that question!

Before I go any further, remember that you are getting a Latter-Day Saint's view of sex. Yes members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints do believe in sex. How else are we going to have our families? Also you will get a view of sex from the point of view of a woman as well.

Back to that question at the beginning. How does sex relate to the family--
Here are some ways that sex can create positive outcomes in family:

* Sex creates families.

* Strengthens marriages.

* Symbol of Unity.

* A proper father/daughter relationship will help a daughter fell loved and not search out improper physical intimacy from the opposite sex.

* Sex creates a bonding chemical called oxytocin (oxie-toe-sin). This is also known as the "love hormone". This chemical is released in both male and females.

That is all great and fine, but I believe that in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints there may sometimes be a disconnect between sex being sared and ordained of God and waiting for sex after marriage. The church leaders don't mean to do this but, what we hear before we are married is : No NO NO NO Bad Bad Bad! And then after we are married we hear: YES, Go for it now! This may create a disconect in our minds, and confusion. In this book:

The author does an amazing job in helping couples overcome their negative views on sex.

One of the most amazing things that Laura M. Brotherson covers is called the "Good Girl Syndrome"(2004). Some of the symptoms of the Good Girl Syndrome are:

*Discomfort, or embarrassment in talking about sex

* Belief that sex is dirty, wrong, or sinful

* Guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations in marriage.

* Discomfort with sexual parts of the body and body functions.

These views have to be overcome in order to enjoy the sacred act of sex within marriage. And it is possible to overcome those beliefs.

I just want to say that LDS members DO believe in sex. We believe that sex should only be shared within the bonds of marriage, because when used outside of marriage there can be harmful consequences. This is a sacred topic, and I hope that I have talked sex in a way that God would approve. I didn't get to talk about everything we talked about in class, but if you are curious for more, I highly would suggest getting the book: And They Were Not Ashamed By Laura M . Brotherson. This book is written for all couples, both the engaged and married. I would highly suggest this book for engaged couples! The way that Brotherson writes is respectful and helps couples (specifically women) to see potential problems and how to solve them. This book is like a private therapy session! I just love this book! Brotherson really did her research for this book!

Well I hope that you have been enlightened and uplifted from this post!

Marriage...now what?

In this post I want to highlight some of the major transitions that happen in the first bit of marriage.

Name change-- Its a big deal. I remember when I first got married it was hard to get used to being a Nickle and not a Smith anymore. At first I think I had an identity crisis. As time went on it got easier, and I really found having a new name liberating.

Your finances are merged-- No longer do you have your money and his money. It becomes 'our' money. You have to plan for 2 people to go to the movies, 2 people to shop for at the grocery store..and so on.

New habits of spouse--This is probably by far my favorite transition. We talked in our class on how different sleeping habits can make the first bit of marriage hard. Like there were some couples that had troubles sharing blankets or the bed. Sharing the bed is a big deal, for the first few night it was a little strange getting used to sharing a bed with another person-- especially since that other person was the opposite sex!

You learn how they deal with challenges--Everyone deals with stress differently and when you just get married it can be a shocker how your spouse deals with stress. One way you can make this transition easier is to see your spouse :angry, sad, stressed, and happy. Then when your spouse is stressed out, then you can learn how to deal with it, without being shocked.

Word of advice: before you get married communication is your best friend. You cant know how everything will pan out in your marriage, but you can plan possible solutions to possible problems. There are millions of books like: '300 questions to ask before you get married', and they really help.

In the next post I will discuss the biggest transition of marriage: Sex.
Its not as scary or awkward as you think..although it was funny to see Brother Williams blush when he was discussing this topic.

First comes love, then comes MARRIAGE!

In our culture the wedding can turn into a pretty big affair. The average wedding in tht US for 2011 can cost up to $27,800! Well I am not sure what those numbers are for LDS weddings, but I think I can make a pretty safe bet they are lower.

But what can be the problems with a higher costing wedding?
1) You may need to post-pone the wedding in order to have the money for the wedding. This may lead to arguments and conflicts, that could carry into your marriage.
2) DEBT: I put this in bold because it is a really big deal! Planning a wedding is stressful enough, don't add debt to the pile!
3) Parents could go into debt for the couple. This can cause SO MANY problems. The husband may feel that he is in-debted to the parents because they spent so much on the wedding. It may even make the bride depend more on her family rather than her spouse.

So what is the solution?
Rememeber that you are planning a MARRIAGE and not just a wedding. The wedding is at tops a week event, but Marriage-- that is for life and for ETERNITY!

What's love got to do with it?

Okay so this will be a short one--but important. I know you all have been dying to know when we would get to the mushy love stuff. Here is is:

There are 4 types of love:
1.Storge: parent/child love
2.Phillia: friendship love/ brotherly love
3.Eros: Romantic/passion/sexual/intimacy
4.Agape: Unconditional/chatitable/Benevelont

So we were asked a really great question in class-- How much of each type of love would you want in your marriage?

Interesting question...but I will not answer this for you. I have observed that there are different kinds of marriages and different kinds of love within that marriage. But none of them is wrong (ok well unless it is abuse or the like).

Next topis on the adgenda: Marriage and the Wedding!

Cohabitation.

We don't believe in cohabitation because we are Mormon. Right? No. Thats not the only reason. The common myth is that if you cohabit before you get married then you don't have the problems that married couples that didn't cohabit have.

I would like to discuss the issues with cohabitation, and why it isn't the fool proof way to test out a partner. What happens in a cohabitation relationship is what I like to call the "Roommate Syndrome". Moving in with another person isn't the same as getting married. When you move in together you still lead your life, and still have your own checking account. This is what is called leading parallel lives. Let me compare this to marriage (and let me note this is the ideal marriage). When a man and a woman marry they merge lives. They have been going their separate ways, and then they merge their lives together (picture 2 roads would merge to become one). The woman takes on a mans name and then they pretty much commit themselves to the other person.

In a cohabitational relationship, there is no merging. They are essentially like roommates sharing the rent, utilities, etc.

Here are a few facts about cohabiting couples:

Those who cohabit before marriage exhibit poorer marital problem solving skills and are less supportive of each other than those who did not cohabit.

The rate of infidelity is higher among couples who cohabitational before marriage than those who did not.

Source: Lauer, Robert H., and Jeanette C. Lauer. Marriage and Family: the Quest for Intimacy. New York: McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2009. Print.

Also another myth that people say that cohabitation couples have better intimate relations. When really they have found the opposite. Married couples have better inimate relations than those who are cohabiting.

My own theory about this is because married couples trust each other enough to be truly intimate. Also I believe that when married couples are committed to each other they learn the intimate details about what makes a relationship successful. Cohabiting relationships may just be in it for themselves and not really look for what makes the other person happy. Again-- my own theory and what I have seen in my own marriage.

Think it out for yourself. Do some research for your self and find out the truth. You'll find support for both sides, but you'll just have to see what makes sense.

Yes, we are all different.

This week in class we learned about how males and females are different. Supprising I know. But gender lines get blurred these days. I would just like to share some of the fun diffences we discussed in class how males and females are differnt.

And Remember differnt doesn't always mean that its a bad thing.

We learned that the brains of Males and Females are different, specifically how our brains are wired. Male brains have more gray matter, while females have more white matter. This means that women have more connective tissue, and can make more connecting thoughts. Males have more of like a heavy duty hard drive that can hold more information. Pretty cool right?

Women are able to remember details more, while men think more in spacial 3D mode.
If you ask a woman for directions (most of the time)she will use landmarks. Men like to give directions in North/South terms.

Boys learn gross motor skills (like jumping, running) first, and girls learn fine motor skills (like drawing, cutting with scissors) first.

Well I believe that God made us different for a reason, and we should not try to be like the other sex.

You can post some funny male/female differences you have seen as well.

Have a wonderful day!

Family Rules.

The rules I'm talking about are not the ones that are 'posted on the frige', but the unspoken rules. The rules that no one said out loud, but you knew it was a rule. I would like to share some of my silly rules from growing up:

(1) Cupboards always had to be closed or dad wouldn't like it.
(2) We had to tell mom and dad that we were home from dates or they would come downstairs and make sure we were home.
(3) If you don't want your brothers and sisters to eat your treats then hide them VERY well! Like under a floor board, they are hunters and they know the easy spots like under your pillow.

And I also thought since I am learning the Nickle family why not put some of their rules here? Well I thought of just some that I observed and had to follow in order to be a sucessful Nickle.

(1) When the family gets all together, and Jared is around, you must speak louder than him in order to be heard.
(2) Get straight to the point when talking to Ross.
(3) When you come to a potluck, make sure you bring lots! Nickles LOVE food (and talking a lot).

Family rules are very important in a family for keeping the peace. What are your family rules and how have you seen them effect your family?

Well have a fantastic day :)

First Post.

I love the classes that Brother Williams teaching, and the insights I gain every week! Last semester I took a class from him called "The Helping Relationship". The class was for those who were going into counseling for individuals, families, or marriage counseling. I took it just because it interested me...and I thought it was going to be about marriage. (Silly me.) Well I learned so much that ended up helping my marriage anyway. I found better ways of talking with my sweetheart. It was amazing how much I learned about listening and about validating feeling. Oh it was fantastic!

So far in this class we have discussed the precautions of scientific research on families and marriage. There can be so many biases put into research, so must not just read research and accept it as fact. We must make sure that things line up, such as credentials of the person writing the article.

We also have talked about the social trends that are going on today and how they effect marriage. A trend I found supremely critical was cohabitation. I believe that it threatens marriage because, those who are just living with one another think it is the same as marriage. It is not. And who else does that effect? Their children. Child abuse rates are higher in a cohabitation home.

Another issue that is going on today is premarital sex. It effects all of us. And the sad thing about it is that the teenagers who engage in this risky act don't really know how it will effect them later on. The worst thing could happen used to be pregnancy. But now it is STD's. There are STD's that if contracted can effect your ability to have children, making you sterile.

How blessed we are to have the knowledge of the gospel that saves us from such consequences. Let us share this gospel with all that we know! The gospel never tries to be with the times, or to be popular, but it is the right way.
I hope you have learned something from my post.
Until next post :) God be with you till we meet again.